Lessons for My Younger Self: Navigating Marriage with Wisdom and Understanding
What I wish my younger self knew about being a spouse. This is the beginning of a series I'll be doing where I write letters to my younger self about different aspects of life.
Adam,
Over the next several years, you're going to be consumed with finding 'the one.' I want you to know that it is more important to become Mr. Right than the quest to find Mrs. Right. There are things going on in your life right now that can drastically impact the spouse you will become. The things you do behind closed doors may feel secretive and normal as a young boy, but the effects can drastically impact the way you view women. Those things you're watching feel innocent, but they're creating an unrealistic idea regarding your spouse. I hope you see that women weren't put here on earth for your entertainment and satisfaction. No, they are the most incredible creatures whom God designed to work alongside you. God doesn't want you to be alone, but you're not in control of when the whole plan unfolds. I'm asking you to begin respecting the girls you speak to. Some of the things you're most proud of now will be things you regret most as you get older.
Let your 'yes' mean yes and your 'no' mean no: I hope I’m not the first person to tell you this, but you’re a people pleaser. You struggle immensely with seeking the approval of others and never want to disappoint anyone. Unfortunately, your attempts to avoid disappointing anyone often result in disappointing a lot of people when you don’t follow through. You need to learn how to be honest and upfront with your time and commitments. This is a crucial lesson to grasp before entering marriage. As you grow older, people have less patience with someone who commits to something and then offers excuses when it's time to follow through.
Openly communicate: You’re growing up in a culture that often portrays men as unable to be sentimental, emotional, or open about their feelings. It's crucial for you to understand the importance of being able to communicate and share your feelings openly. One day, you may find yourself working in a school, witnessing the heartbreaking reality of boys ashamed of their feelings or afraid to show vulnerability. Your future wife may one day tell you that one of your greatest qualities is your sensitivity, and that doesn’t make you weak. Your family will find safety in your willingness to over-communicate and discuss everything. Remember the words of Tim Keller: to be fully loved but not known is superficial, but to be fully known and fully loved is a lot like being loved by God. Seek that love in your friendships and your marriage. Don’t be ashamed of who you are or your struggles; one of the most admirable traits a person can have is the willingness to accept responsibility and own up to their shortcomings.
Physical touch: I know in your mind all you think this means is sex. While that is a good thing and important in marriage, it is not, I REPEAT, it is not the primary aspect of marriage. You’re a man, it will be on your mind all the time. Especially because we live in a world where everything is hyper sexualized. While sex plays a role in marriage, it is not like the videos you’ve secretly watched over the years. In fact, the most profound forms of physical affection isn’t even the time in private with your wife. It’s holding her hand in the car, rubbing her back at the table, putting her feet in your lap at night time, and offering her kisses with no expectation of anything in return. Learn to love, not for what your spouse gives you, but find out what you can give your wife that goes beyond just the bedroom.
There’s a whole lot more I could tell you. But to be honest, you probably won’t read it all if I keep going. Until next time!
- Adam